Tonight is the last night I will spend as an unemployed person, for tomorrow I’ll be a productive, tax-paying citizen contributing to the happiness, prosperity and progress of our nation!

But as of now, I’m just a whirlwind of emotions. Happy. Excited. Scared. Curious. Proud. Panicky. Blessed. Worried. Nervous. Insecure. Sian. Stressed.

Will I be able to wake up on time in the morning? What will morning traffic be like? Will my colleagues like me? Will I fit in? Will they think I am fat and ugly and ostracise me? Where will I have lunch, and more importantly who will I have lunch with? Will I have to eat alone? Will I be able to learn as fast as I had proclaimed I would during my interviews and live up to my supervisors’ expectations? Will I fail them? Will my job scope interest me? Will I be bored stiff and doze off in the office? Will I hate my job from Day 1???

OMG I don’t wanna go to work already lah!!! I just wanna curl up in bed and sleep in late and stay at home and watch tv everyday for the rest of my life!!!

Went down to Capital Square to sign the contract with Bloomberg, marking an end to my 3 months job search and also a beginning of a new chapter in my life. Haha… A new chapter that involves waking up at 6, squeezing with 1 million Singaporeans on the bus and MRT so that I can reach the office at 8am. Hmmmmmm……… That actually sounds more like revisiting an old chapter of my life – back to the secondary school and JC days!!!

Nonetheless, I have to say that I am grateful for everything given to me. I really wanted the job, given its great working environment and awesome pantry. Well, the salary package just sweetens the whole deal, but of course we’re not mercenaries who work solely for the money right? *winks*

P.S   I had a feeling that things will go well today coz I played Wahjong on Viwawa last night and I lian zhuang, like, 5 rounds? Which never happened before!!! Haha… Maybe someone up there wanted to gimme a sign!

After F-I-V-E gruelling weeks of waiting, interviewing, waiting, interviewing………. IT’S FINALLY ALL COMING TO AN END TOMORROW!

Yes, tomorrow is the final round of interview for Bloomberg. Yes, finally. After 1 written test, 2 face-to-face interviews and 2 phone interviews (with product managers from Princeton, New York!), there will finally be a concluding chapter tomorrow.

Everyone is trying to reassure me that since I have made it thus far, I am more or less assured of the position, but somehow I’m not convinced. There’s this horrid nagging feeling that I might step into Bloomberg tomorrow for my 10am interview, only to see another guy waiting at the pantry for his 10.30 slot. Or a lady might step out of the meeting room, having concluded her 9.30 interview. HAI……….

I really hate this. I have an urge to ask the HR lady if I am the only candidate left, but I don’t think she will tell me. In a way, I think I should be the last one since it has been a long interview process and they shouldn’t be that cruel to cut me only at the final round. But on the other hand, this is Bloomberg, yah?

Hoping for the best tomorrow! *fingers crossed*

3 interviews in 3 consecutive days! Damn shag! Anyway, a quick brief of the progress thus far.

1. Monetary Authority of Singapore

Position: Graduate trainee

Latest interview: Tuesday, 5 Aug, 1.45 pm

Status: Round 2 of 4

Next interview: Dunno. But high possibility that I might not get through coz the HR manager did not seem too convinced that I want to be a civil servant

2. Bloomberg

Position: Fundamentals and earnings representative

Latest interview: Wednesday, 6 Aug, 10.30 am

Status: Round 2 of ??? rounds

Next interview: Tuesday, 12 Aug, 11 am. Meeting the manager but I doubt this will be the last interview. According to HR, there’s “about 3 more rounds”, dunno if it includes this coming round.

3. Ministry of Finance

Position: Associate (Tax Policy)

Latest interview: Thursday, 7 Aug, 10.30 am

Status: Round 1 of 3

Next interview: Friday, 15 Aug, 11 am. Will be completing 2 rounds consecutively, namely an essay test followed by an interview with the Director. Stress!

Ok, so that’s about it. The problem now is, I’m not too sure what to do if I really get offered the MOF job, coz my heart is leaning towards Bloomberg (they had me at “Hello”). MOF is not that bad, and the staff I met up with today were uber nice and friendly, but job scope isn’t too relavant. Furthermore, I would probably have a higher chance of getting a banking job in the future if I take up the Bloomberg job as compared to the MOF job. BUT the problem is, my friend told me that Bloomberg has quite alot of rounds of interview, and HR has also confirmed that, so it might drag on for awhile. AND MOF is like super efficient; after the interview today they said they will lemme know within 10 working days whether I am short listed but in the end they called me at 2.30 pm. Argghhhhhhh dilemma dilemma dilemma!!!

Really hoping to get the Bloomberg job! *keeps fingers crossed. toes as well.*

As a result of my extreme boredness, I actually went to read my old blog! (Btw, I find it quite amazing that blogspot didn’t shut down my old site due to inactivity. But… Thanks?)

Anyway, after reading part of it, I found some things quite amusing.

1) I actually maintained the blog for nearly TWO YEARS. Like, OMG!!! Is that a personal record?!? It actually spanned from my JC days till uni days till I met my dear!!!

2) The language I used is absolutely hilarious. i guess i was writin in the… i dunno leh.. jc small gurl gurl kinda style~ =)

But with that said, what I wrote did sound more interesting then now. At least some part sounded pretty…… poetic to me. LOL.

3) I have ABSOLUTELY NO RECOLLECTION WHATSOEVER about alot of events that happened!!!

June 22nd 2004

” me finally msged him this morning coz i tot it was useless to keep waiting. realised that he has a fever. poor baby… he said that he din msg coz he was having a fever. i’m not sure if its strong enough an excuse, but i’ll buy it for now. honestly i have no idea wad is goin on. the signals he’s sending are so mixed that i dare not come to any conclusion in fear that i might misinterpret. he said he likes me. but if he likes me, den how come he never ever calls? how come i always have to be the one who has to take the initiative to msg or call him? budden when i start to think that maybe he doesn’t like me n he’s just fooling around with me, he always does the sweetest thing to make me feel so happy again. hai… this is so annoying. =( “

Ermmmm……….. I’m sorry if I sound heartless, but who is “he”? LOL.

4) I seem to sound lovesick all the time. And although I can’t quite remember who I’m talking about, I’m pretty sure I was referring to different guys every now and then.

But there’s alot to be learnt from old blogs. One thing for sure, I’m slowly starting to see some parts of me that were pretty immature, pompous, childish, vengeful, and overly-flirty and desperate. Perhaps its only with time that we can reflect on our past and realise how blinded we were to not have noticed who was staring right back at us when we looked in the mirror.

I’ve always thought that I’ve put the past behind me, but the recent brief encounters with familiar faces of my past proved to me that perhaps I was not as strong as I thought I was.

As crazy as it sounds, I still feel a sense of…… shame. Whenever I walk past them, I uncontrollably bow my head down to avoid looking straight into their eyes. Even then…… I can hear them sniggering and gossiping…… I can feel them staring right at me…… I can sense them pointing their fingers at me, whispering, “Look, isn’t that her?”

Damn it, Simin! Damn it! When will you learn that you did nothing wrong??? When will you understand that this is just sick game that senseless-people-with-supposedly-high-IQ-but-apparently-very-low-EQ play???

I need to move on.

For the longest time, I thought all human beings dream when they go to sleep every night, when in actual fact, some people don’t experience dreams at all! I, for one, belong to the former – I dream every single night.

Well, it may seem like there’s nothing interesting about someone dreaming. But the problem is, whatever I dream of and the emotions involved often extend beyond my dreams and affect me even when I am awake! After I wake up, I would lie there and ponder over what I have dreamt, and in extreme cases I can replay the entire dream in my mind for the entire day.

Case in point – Last night, I had another one of “those” dreams whereby I’m blissfully in love with some guy. I don’t know why, but the people that appear in my dreams usually have no “recognisable faces”. Maybe its coz they have yet to appear in my life?

Anyway, I seem to experience such dreams alot. Not that I’m complaining, because I honestly feel so wonderfully doted on when I’m with him. From what I recall, he’s always tall with strong broad shoulders for me to lean on. He’s the perfect gentleman who would hold me in my arms and protect me, and once in awhile he would ever so gently plant a soft kiss on my forehead. (Btw, the kiss-on-the-forehead thingy is my absolute weak spot.)

The problem is, he is not my boyfriend!!! Sighhhh… Wouldn’t things be so much easier if the man of my dreams was my bf? And when I wake up, I can’t seem to detach myself from the dream! And worst of all, I would start comparing my own relationship in reality with what I have just dreamt, only to realise that my bf is a far cry from him!!!

Am I thinking too much about my dreams? On one hand, I feel so happy in my dream that before I sleep, I silently pray that I would have the same dream so that I can meet him again. On the other hand, there’s this almost guilt-like feeling that enroaches in me, and I feel as if I’m cheating on my bf.

To dream of love of being in love, suggests intense feelings carried over from a waking relationship. It implies happiness and contentment with what you have and where you are in life. On the other hand, you may not be getting enough love in your daily life. We naturally long for the sense to belong and to be accepted.

Sighhhh….. This is bad

Since I would be a working professional soon (hopefully), I realised that its time to contribute back to the family.

Which is why I think its apt to start a shopping list of things I wanna buy when I have the moolah.

1. For my brother

• PS3/Wii/Xbox
• iPod
• Professional camera

2. For my sister

• Crumpler bag
• iPod

3. For the family

• High definition TV
• New washing machine
• New paint job
• New sofa
• New dining set

4. For dear dear

• PS3 (provided he does not get one by then)
• PDA phone
• More Man U stuff
• Lots and lots of love!!! Lol.

Judging from the list of things, I think I need to earn $10k a month. What’s more, this list is not exhausive and does not include what I wanna buy for myself. Which is ALOT. LOL.

Better start looking for a job now if I wanna fulfil all these.

It feels weird that even though we are both in the same room, the same living space, we don’t speak to each other. This is despite the fact that we have not seen each other in a few months, and throughout this entire period of absence I believe I only spoke to him once on the phone (and that lasted less than 30 secs too).

No doubt, my family isn’t quite like others. We don’t share secrets, thoughts or problems. But when we finally do “share”, it’s when we really cannot stand each other anymore and are about to blow, resorting to shouting and yelling and name-calling to release the frustration within. Other than that, the adults’ affairs are not to be discussed with the children and us, children, are assumed to have nothing to worry about other than our studies. (Relationships are a big no-no until you leave the grasp of MOE.)

Sometimes I wonder if it’s just me. They seem to communicate perfectly well with my brother and sister. He sends sms-es to them, he asks them on recent happenings, but not me. It’s hard to tell myself “It’s ok, its not your fault” when the facts are so clear and right in my face.

Do parents have to love their children? I remember watching Tyra Bank’s show the other day and a mum was talking about how she wanted to give her daughter up for adoption because she cannot stand her anymore. If such things were morally acceptable in my family, I think I would have been shipped to Uzbekistan as a child prostitute. (Ok, I don’t really know if child prostitution is rampant in Uzbekistan so don’t quote me)

Went to the career fair just now and visited the British American Tobacco booth. All the while, I only had one question in mind: “Can I work there if I am dead against smoking?” LOL.

Was reading through the promo booklet they gave us and one of the job descriptions said something about believing in the brand. I personally find it quite hard, and hypocritical even, to believe in the brand if I hate smokers. On the other hand, the job scope is exactly what I am looking for. Sighhhhhhhh